Letters on the window

Wait! // Author unknown

2011-11-11T10:51:00.002+02:00

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried,
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting ... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."

Ministry

2011-09-17T17:40:00.001+03:00

So many times we say that people need Jesus in their lives, but what that means? Today I was actually teaching an old lady on the bus how to fight for the right thing to happen! Our conversation had some turn and tears showed up in her eyes when she started to speak that she struggles financially to have enough food on her table. Holy Spirit convicted me in my heart of my pride, of my tendency to be "know-it-all" girl. I was humbled.
People complain about different sorts of things, mostly starting and ending up in blaming government for not doing something for us, for not caring about our daily lives or not having idea about what struggles we are facing day after day. But it all comes down to that fact that we need someone to be around to help with our struggles, we need each other - not the government. The question popped up in my mind: "Do I know what people around me actually need or am I simply seeing everyone as sinful heathens and judging them for not knowing Jesus?" Am I a Pharisee or the follower and disciple of Jesus?
Ministry. What does it actually mean to minister, to be a follower of Jesus, to be His disciple? Is it just talking about how one needs God and He will help one in some supernatural way, like bringing manna from the sky? Today, I have that sneaky feeling in my heart that we just got it all wrong: we talk to much and do too little. It needs to be put in the right places: we need to do more and to talk less. We need to learn to listen and to see. We need to actually start to give our lives as a living sacrifice for those in need. We need to stop being super spiritual, and get down to earth and see what we need to do for those around us because true Christianity lies in living your faith not in a prayer room (there is a place and time for spiritual disciplines in our lives), but out there in a world where we are called to be the salt and the light. God has given us everything we need. God IS everything we need: He is our perfect parent who adopted us through Jesus, He is our perfect Lover who fullfils our emotional needs, He is our perfect Boss who has it all under control. We are in a wonderful company of trust and comfort, and support, and provision when we are with Him and in Him. But... we need to be out there working with Him in the lives of people who don't know His love. And we have to do this not through talking, but through doing, through meeting the needs of those around us: financial, material, emotional or spiritual. To do that we need to start looking around, and communicating with people, hearing them.
Start small.
Don't look far.
Start from your own house, your neighbours.
Look around.
Notice.
Pray.
Go.
Be simple and loving.
And may God of all grace be with you.

A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth.

(Proverbs 17:24)

Terra Incognita

2011-08-19T23:40:00.000+03:00

When I think about it, almost a year passed since I actively wrote something here... And what brings me back is something I cannot understand. I have to say, I don't know what stopped me from sharing my thoughts here either. There times when something dies in you, and you know that there has to be another path you have to start walking, and for some time you stand on the crossroad asking yourself and most probably God where to turn. I don't know how we loose our path, but it just happens. Sometimes you get tired of being watchful...
But here I am again. Started walking the path which I was not looking for and have no idea where it leads. The only thing I hear is, "Be still and trust me". It's the still small voice of the Holy Spirit. How do I know? It calls me to trust no one and nothing else but the promise of God made through the cross where Jesus died for my transgressions. The promise of becoming a child of a loving, caring Dad, who has plans for my well-being. Maybe not in this world, but with the hope of having one for eternity. On the other hand, I really believe that God wants to bless us in this life as well; He just don't wat us to believe that this life is all we have. With these thoughts, I'm trusting Him to clarify the situation I am in now... The situation of my heart. I want to believe that every woman on this planet earth wants to be loved and to give love. I'm not an exception. And we strive to have relationship where we would experience at least a little bit of the fairy-tale we long to be real in our life. Terra incognita for me is that I'm willingly giving my story with a man into God's hands, stepping back a bit and waiting for him, the man, to make his decision without my intrusion. My flesh goes against it with all that it has, but Christ said that we have to kill fleshy desires with the Spirit. And so I am willing to do. My spirit, my heart wants to wait, my flesh wants to flirt and attract. It's a battle and I have no idea what is waiting for me on the other side of this stormy sea. But I have resolved in my heart to wait upon the Lord, and may He help me through it.

A thought

2011-08-15T23:38:00.001+03:00

A moment comes in your life when you want to reveal yourself just as you are without showing off or trying to attract someone; when you don't want to fascinate someone, but you want that someone would simply marvel at you and delight in being with you just as you are; when you understand that you want to simply be known and you want to simply know someone.

This was the thought I had couple of days before leaving for Belarus. And when I look at what happened during these 3 weeks from that moment, I see that God has heard my prayer without me even praying about it... He definitely knows what we need and He gives that right on time.

I love God

2010-11-06T19:31:00.003+02:00

I love God... How He comes to me, how He approaches me, and talks to my heart about things, hw He whsipers into my ears. I don't always nderstand what He says, but He lifts my eyes up, and I feel a soft breeze blowing through my soul, lifting my thoughts up from the earthly worries. In everything He says He whispers His "I love you", "You are my daughter", "You are my precious kid". In all He says and does, He puts His stamp of love and caring.
I say that I love God, but when He calls me to come and talk to Him, I stop and ponder that. I'm afraid to lose control, to let go... I feel worry inside on what would happen if I do let go and dive in... if I completely devote my self to Him. "Will you go where I go?" The fact is that I am reluctant to choose His way though I definitely don't want to choose the other option of not being with Him. "There is no other way", the words of Frodo baggings comes to my mind when a whisper in the dark tries to tempt my with the thought that maybe I'm too harsh on myself by giving only 2 option: with God or wihtout Him. Maybe it's only me thinking too proud of being a special tool for His purposes. But it is all very serious because you cannot make compromises or dealings with the world. There is no other way, but to leave everything behind for the glory of God, the best Dad in all the universe... I want to go God's way.

For someone who is not yet with me

2010-09-11T00:59:00.001+03:00

I miss you;

I can’t wait untill you come.

I see you in my mind eyes,

And in my heart I feel something...

It’s not yet in my heart, but it is already there.

It’s enourmous anticipation of what The Lord has prepared for me and you.

It’s the kingdom of God between you and me.

It’s love that is yet to come.

It’s your eyes before mine when we woke up in the morning in one bed looking at each other and marveling at the miraculous sight before our eyes.

It is the peace inside when you know that you are where you have to be.

It’s my hand in your hand.

It’s walking in silence and understanding each other without words.

It’s beeing embraced by you.

It’s feeling your heart beat.

It’s praying together.

It’s hearing God when He speaks to both of us at the same time.

It’s walking in the same direction to the places we have never dreamed of and doing things transcending all human understanding.

It’s just living with God and living Him out together with you.

I miss you, and I hope you will hear me.

The everyday need-to-do for Christian

2010-09-04T21:22:00.003+03:00

When people hear me talk about God, they say they like to hear all the stories and get inspired by my faith and walk with God. Actually, I'm inspired myself by what God is doing in my life. It just lifts me up everytime I'm about to fall down... And now God has revealed me a little bit of what my future ministry is up to be. I need to pray for direction, I need to seeke His will and guidance. Everything is so overwhelming and so powerful that I just ask God whether He has made the right decision by picking me... And I'm reminded of Mary, Jesus mother, of Abraham, Joseph, Peter and other apostoles and people used by God. They were all simple men and women who just believed the mighty God and trusted Him. And the bottom line is that I'm just afraid of taking up the responsibility for things He has already arranged for me... I have to break free and dance in His love as one of the songs lines it up. I need to break free. I WANT to break free. It's all about the desire of your heart. The Bible says that your heart is where put your treasure (Luke 12:34) Do you want God or do you want the wordly things first? When I read the Gospels, I see that if you want to be righteous before God you have to leave everything. It doesn't mean that you have to detach from everything physically. But what you definitely have to detach from everyhting is your heart. When my heart is with God, when it is lifted up and wordhiping my Father in heavens, I love, I have compassion, I can talk to people about Christ, invite them to accept the love of God and give their lives to God. It's all because I'm overflowing with the Holy Spirit. But that is only possible if you stay connected. And you stay connected if you watch and pray. This is the time and activity that satan will always try to intrude in a Christian's life by overloading him or her with a thought that there is one more urgent thing that needs to be done right NOW. I need to fight for my time with God, and my enemy most of the times is not satan, but my flesh which is so susceptible to satan's "good ideas". So let's fight!

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
(James 4:7)

One up - one down..

2010-08-30T21:13:00.005+03:00

Sometimes, no matter, how good and wonderful was the day, one drop of uncertaintity or change, or the look thrown by another person towards you, makes it all vanish. Suddenly, you go from one up to one down. Sometimes you go two down. The interesting thing is that you don't even notice the moment when that bad mood comes in. Like now: just a few moments everything seemed fine and quite up, but now my energy went somewhere, thoughts of inferiority are sneaking in, and trying to steal my strength, my motivation, my... I don't know... It's so interesting and, I guess, people who are not watchful, they fell into various kinds and forms of self-pity, depression, guilt-circles and stuff like that in a moment. Now, when I have noticed that my mood is gone somewhere, I have to fight not to give in. Usually, I do give in, but today I don't want to. I'm fascinated how God has changed my heart. I did nothing, well, nothing special to fill myself of constant repeating of some mantras that I feel good, nothing affects me or sort of. I'm surprised myself that it's so different now. And when you do nothing about your usual self, you start asking questions how did this happened. Does maturity comes without any inner efforts? I don't think so. People who do not analyze themselves they don't notice, they just react. You cannot get mature if you don't know what's going on inside of you, because maturity always encompasses evaluation of what is on the spot and what you want to change. It's like goal setting for your inner life - what you want to become. And I know for sure that in the evening of the 20th of August something happened. It's like God has clicked the light in one of the rooms. Just I haven't yet figured out which one it is, cause I have no idea where it is!!! It's so weird not to know your own house, how many rooms you have in it. I guess, it's the room of self-pity or jealousy and envy, but in what part of my soul-house it was, I have no idea...
Thus, conclusion is this: God knows what He is healing. You just observe the process even if you don't know what's going on (like now when I'm writing all this). You just embrase His divine actions and let Him do what He does best - cleans and heals in you stuff that is necessary to take care of.
I'm sorry for the scaterred thoughts...

Embracing embarrassing blessings

2010-07-23T00:09:00.004+03:00

Yesterday (which started around 1,5 hours ago) I was reminded of a sermon that I hear on my way home from the camp two night before. Since then I almost became a fan of Dick Foth:) Actually, it was only the part of the sermon which made me laugh into tears. But it was so heart-piercing. I remember two points that he made: 1, that miracles happen in the desert, and the 2nd was awkward thanking "Thank you, God, for embarrassing me with your blessings." The first one was at some point just a reminder of what I already knew, just to strengthen me. But the 2nd... Oh, it was a mind blowing eye-opener for me! Dick told a story how he and his wife Ruth had to stay at a train station in Hungary. They were told that their visas were not OK, and they couldn't leave Hungary. And they had only 3 USD in the pocket. What you do in this kind of situation? You are left with nothing else but prayer. That's what they did, starting with this thanksgiving spiced a little bit with irony, "Thank you, Lord, for embarrassing us with Your blessings". And no matter, how sarcastic that sounds, it actually talks about being thankful for whatever situation in your life. Today I had my embarrassing blessing. I went to my friend's band performance at one club wearing a long white skirt. And at one point when I was coming back from the ladies' room a guy just poured out his beer on me!!! On my white skirt!! Oh, I smelled, and it was really embarrasing and I felt at some point outraged. And my skirt got these big stains all over it. I thought it will dry out and nothing will be seen. Dream of it! They were yellish (not sure if there's sch a word in English:)) Not very visible, but still I know that they were there. Then, other things happened, and I felt down... No good mood. It's really interesting how quickly it disapears...
So... Did I embraced this embarrasing situation? DO YOU embrace the moments of your life you would better like to turn back in time and push the erase button? Sometimes I as a minister want not to see what is wrong in me and my ministry: my flaws of character, my mistakes (I tend to rationalize, and minimize them). I mean, I'm a minister. I should be an example. I have to be perfect. But I'm not. Things should go smooth for me. But sometimes they are not. My pride is challenged by God, because He looks for humble servants and obedient children. Not grown-ups who know how to do stuff. I don't know about the others, but God definitely puts me into situations where I look stupid when I' rebellious or when I think I know things and solutions... He embarrases me, and not with a purpose to humiliate me, but rather to show me who's the Boss, to help me grow in faith. I love to understand that over and over. And Holy Spirit always reminds me in these moments the embarrasment that Jesus was exposed to when being at the court and being nailed on the cross. People expected Him to be strong and He got some harsh words towards him. It's a terrible feeling, but what can you say... People are cruel, they don't see into your heart, and don't know God's ways for you. I remember King David saying to God when He had to choose the punishment that he would better choose God's hand to punish him rather than people's, because God is mercyful and has compassion. And these embarrasing moments in believers' lives are precious when they are from God. You can thank Him, embrace them, and prepare for something extraodinary to happen. I think I'm off for a new adventure of facing the embarrasing moments in my life, laughing at them, praying over them and making them a part of the wondeful life with Jesus.

A Walk in The Fog

2010-06-25T00:59:00.001+03:00

The fog rose up.
And we got lost in it.
Only the sound of voice and laughter now remains.
Confused by shadows
and the whispers of the trees
I'm stumbling once again, and falling on my knees.
"Oh, God! where is Your light
That kills the thickness of the dark?!
Bring back the peace into my heart!"

I shout your name.
With mouth that's shut.
I hope you hear the calling in your heart.
"Please, find my hand",
I whisper in the misty light.
"Unveil the fog and let me see your eyes."
The curtains of the rainy fall are torn,
Enlighted by the brightness of the sun
I see the path through the unkown.

When God calls you...

2010-06-19T23:16:00.003+03:00

... you just have to say, "Yes". Without "buts", "wells" or "ifs". And there is such a temptation to do that!!! I'm astonished how often we, who call ourselves "the children of God", do not honour our Father in Heavens with obedience. We argue, we put our opinions above His, our needs above His commandments. We make ourselves kings and queens without His blessing, beforehand. We want to rule because we know that we have been given the blessing to rule, but we don't want to obey, because that is not what the kings and queens do. Obedience is meant for servants and children, but not for queens and kings...
It is hard to bow down. It is hard to kneel. It is hard to say, "I'm sorry, I've let you down. Forgive me if you can." The pride is penetrating the Church, and there is one who puts some wood into the fire. I hate him, the enemy.
Who is your king? Your church, your ministry, your goodwill, your job, career, husband, dreams, plans, personal comfort, money, feelings of loneliness, or else? Who or what stands in between you and the Creator of the Universe? I want... No, I AM giving it all to You, my King, my God whose love is sweeter, whose song is sweeter, at whose feet is the best place to be. Everything else is vanity, just the passing dust. "Everything will pass, but my words will remain forever", thus says the Lord. And I intend to say "yes" when He calls me...

Priceless

2010-01-27T22:08:00.003+02:00

God is amazing how He works everything together, and encourages you (in this case, me:)) from different angles, using people even from the far away countries:) It was like a confirmation for all His speaking during this week that I should not get discouraged in what I'm doing and that everything is fine with people around me, and that everything is fine with me :)) Yes, we are all people. Sometimes as a leader I face this great challenge of getting tired of trying over and over, of keeping smiling, and... being in a leadership position. Sometimes I would just love to advise God to choose somebody else because I don't think I'm capable. There are times when I want to just leave my ministry because I'm failing or nothing changes... Sometimes I start asking God, "Is it worth trying and speaking out the same things over and over?". His answer amazes me and shuts me up - He always shows me the cross and shows me in my past and me today. And the answer is always - YES, IT'S WORTH:) With this, God is always inviting me to look through the purposes why I'm doing what I'm doing, to understand the reason for "the season":)

I was praying the other night, and going through the quizz-for-God thing called "Are you sure, you picked the right girl?":) And the answer was, "I choose the vessels...". I ended it up, "but a vessel has the freedom to choose whether it wants to be filled..." understanding that it is up to me to choose whether I will let God to use me. Do I want to be the unique vessel of God and be used in the ways I have never imagined or do I want to keep being miserable and not capable and comparing myself to someone...? During this 1st month of the new decade God has been showing me a whole lot of times that He doesn't need perfect people to complete His work on the Earth, that He is the perfect God who enables us to do things beyond our understanding... I don't need to be perfect all knowing girl to get the right husband, I don't need to be a perfect wife or Mom or friend or teacher or leader. All I really need is to make myself available for God to fill me with what He has prepared for me, to be open to Him... simply to believe that I have everything I need to have for Him to work through me. And to believe that, I need to trust Him. And I can trust Him only if I know that He accepts me the way that I am. And I know that He accepts me only when I know that He loves me unconditionally. And I know that He loves me unconditionally in Christ whom He send and let Him die for my inadequacies and transgressions before I was even born knowing that I will make all the mistakes I have made. It's humbling when you understand that God waits only for your decision to be available for Him, and He will start enabling you the very minute you will do that... It's an awesome feeling when you understand that our creative God has a plan and purpose for EVERYBODY. It doesn't matter how small and unimportant you might feel, He sees deeper than that. He knows what He has put in you. And He never doubts about His choice...

Birthday Note

2010-01-19T00:19:00.002+02:00

Dear Dad,

Thank You for Your surprises in my life.
Thank you the wonderful people You have surrounded me with - parents, relatives, fantastic brother and his wife, friends, church family, 8th graders and other WoF "rugrats", colleegues, neighbours, land-ladies I lived with.
Thank You for making this day special again.
Thank You for every unexpected greeting
Thank You for every HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU song I've heard.
Thank You for that contagious liveliness that flood WoF school - may it grow into spreading Your love with the same intensity:)
Thank You for every challenge and every victory,
Thank You for every wound and healing,
Thank You for the minutes of sadness and days of joy,
Thank You for the taers of pain, and hands and words of comfort.
Thank You for the sun, and the moon, and the stars
and for everything that You created which stands to this day.
Thank You for big dreams and small but big miracles.
Thank You for the opportunities You open,
and for the doors you shut.
Thank You for Your lessons and Your reproof
Thank You for every evening when I can talk to You wrapped up in my blanket.
Thank You for knowing my every request even before I speak it out.
Thank You for knowing my fears.
Thank You for not being mad about my mistakes and for giving opportunity to learn.
Thank You for letting have fun.
Thank You for letting me be Your child.
Thank You for Your patience towards me, a rebelious soul.
Thank You for accepting me the way I am.
Thank You for allowing me to discover who I am in You, how You see me.
Thank You for always being by my side, even when I don't want neither to see You nor to hear.
Thank You for not leaving me and for not stopping to talk to me.
Thank You for not being able to walk too far away from You (while being alive:))
Thank You for loving me with love I can hardly understand to the full...
Thank You that Your love never changes and that it remains strong no matter what.
Thank You for Your Son, without whom there would be no such thanksgiving and no renewed life.
Thank You for letting me to be born and to know You...

(here we go again... I burst into tears. Thanks for this as well:))

Getting deeper and wider

2009-12-27T23:44:00.003+02:00

It seems that 2 Thursdays ago God just wanted to let me know about His love for me even more, to the depth that I had never thought He did loved me, and cared for me. It was the day when I suddenly felt back to my teenhood. It was time when the door for receiving love, understanding and simple relationship were shut, and life became more complicated than it had to be. That day I made the most disruptive decision of my life - that I'm not important, that people who are dare to me do not care about me, and they don't hear me, they don't care about my questions.

2 weeks ago I told God that I feel as if that time has just came back. I felt tough, and I knew it was time to talk to God, but I was just delaying the time for prayer, walking from one corner to another, and trying to avoid to hear what He wanted me to tell me. Finally, I gave up... I sat of the sofa and began to talk to Him about what was going in my mind and my heart... Suddenly, I heard His voice saying, "You are important to me. I hear you. And I heard you back then." The room filled up with cry in which you could feel the mixture of emotions: gratefulness, grief, joy, pity... I cried for almost half an hour. I never thought that it would be so important for my heart to hear those words. It seemed that the most painful thing came out in the light to be healed by the gracious hand of God. I needed freedom, I needed the release from the prison of bitterness and defensiveness I was in for so long. It seemed that a waft of fresh air filled me in, and suddenly all my life was painted in totally different colours. Or maybe my eyes were opened. I was taken out of the darkness of the land called DESPAIR, HOPELESS, MISTRUST, SCEPTISISM. Well, it seems I was the citizen of several countries:) There is nothing more wonderful than to be free from captivity of negativity. There is nothing more wonderful than to know that there is always someone who will hear your every cry, who will know your every thought, and every doubt, every pain, every desperation. Who will always be there for you. Who will tell you, "Don't be afraid, I'm here with you. No one can harm you." The most wonderful thing is that God respects and loves me so much that He haven't intruded with all these comforting words ahead of time, but knew exactly when I will need to hear those words, and they will make the most impact on me. I JUST LOVE THE WAY HE LOVES PEOPLE. He is so gentle, so on-time, so understanding, so comporting that no words can express that... At least, I don't find enough or the right one... I'm in awe!!! And I' more in love with Him than ever. He is my man:))

A Breeze

2009-12-03T23:23:00.002+02:00

Life is becoming very interesting... At some point I'm in love again. With God, with Jesus. I just love being with Him, feeling Him near, knowing that He is always there for me, talking to Him, getting answers, warnings. I just love how He says things to me, how He teaches me, lets me know about things He sees I need to change. I love the way he convicts me of wrongdoing.
Life is changing, just I have no idea what turn it is taking. He is telling me the words of comfort, of assurance, encouraging me to trust Him in every way I'm taking.
Today I had coversation with one of the most adorable guys in our school. I just felt he needs the hug, and my attention. I just want to kiss him over:) He is so cute. I'd like to have a son like him, with the same tender heart. May God's grace guard his soul...
God is breathing His breath over Lithuania very strongly, people are so touched by His Spirit that it's so hard and yet so wonderful to see it. Our church is filling in with broken people, and sometimes it's so difficult to accept some of them, or accept some of the character of these people. And it's all like soft wind which is felt in an open air and feels so refreshing and cooling. I just go, and do, and be who I am supposed to be in Christ. I'm not saying it's easy for me; it is a challenge, because it's different than anything else, it's different than it was before...

The Best of the best

2009-09-20T23:32:00.005+03:00

I keep asking God why I still have some of the difficulties, why the same things hurt me over and over thought it seems that my walk with God is going quite smoothly... Our human hearts sometimes are so deeply hurt that it is hard to bear the pain that surfaces so suddenly. It seems that you have just overcame one battle, and you want to catch your breath back, and sit peacefully for some time, but... Another battle is starting to show its signs... It's like a number of sharp arrows hit your body from different sides, and the only thing you want to do is fall down and give up, flow with the crowd. Sometimes I'm asking myself what keeps me getting up and moving on, resisting the flow? My answer is, "I don't want to fall into darkness". Every time I'm thinking that I can't take any more, I can feel its breath into my face, that creepy feeling of horror that the old nightmares are coming back and planning to take back what was once theirs. I know that in the Land of Light and Joy, there is no darkness, and God will not allow any of it to come and destroy His kingdom. So, nothing which has any dark spot will ever slip through the gates. Somehow I remember the parable about the invitation to the wedding... I need to be in a wedding dress. It's not about the fear of going to hell. Some people think they might get through with that. No way... It's all about love. You can do anything for the one you love. And if you love LOVE, then it's double power in you.

I love God who is LOVE. I love God who is COMPASSION. I love God who GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME to be free. I just love being in His presence, I love to feel that He is near and always there for me. I love to know that I'm never alone with my own pain or hurt. I know, and I love to know that, that He is always there to provide help and good advise. The breath of death makes the breath of life more vivid, more desirable, more motivating. Especially when you know that it's abundant life. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that the breath of freedom, of a free life is somewhat scary... We got used to live in prison, in slavery, and that's the reason why we don't know how to use the freedom we get in God. We forgot it's taste, we forgot how it smells, we forgot how it feels to be completely free. And we have to learn to do freedom anew.. It takes time, it takes efforts, and sometimes it takes going the painful road which you would rather choose not to go. Not to reveal even to yourself those painful experiences, those painful feelings, those hard attempts to have a better life... without God. Today I'm thankful to God for not giving up on me, for believing in me, for getting me out of my own mess... I'm thankful that He could throw away the garbage that I thought to be gold or very important part of my life. He is the most important thing, person in my life. He is my life, my breath of freedom in which I have to learn to live. I am strong though I am weak, but my strength lies not in my own strength, knowledge, and gifting. My strength, my freedom lies in Him - God who loved me so much that He gave His only Son to clean up the mess in my life. He is the best of the best of the best:)

Encouragement from Bobbie Houston

2009-06-23T15:20:00.004+03:00

The little satin eye-shade number says DO NOT DISTURB, WORLD CHANGER AT REST!!

I love the thought of us ALL being WORLD CHANGERS!!

I love the thought that God considered us ALL unique & special enough to plant us at such a crazy/wonderful time in history.

I love the thought that in doing so, He would have invested unique gift and measure within ALL of us so that we could fulfil that planting.

I love that He is no respecter of persons and invites us all.

I love that He will use any willing heart that is, well, willing.

I love that we don't have to impress Him,

I love that we can come as we are,

I love that He specializes in people who think they are pathetic, but really aren't.

I love that He is gentle and patient and persistent in shaping us into what He knows we can become.

I love that He is not freaked out at the state of the world,

I love that He is calm,

I love that He has a plan,

I love that He considers us capable to carry His heart and make a difference.

I love that He can take the likes of you and I and make us ALL WORLD CHANGERS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

I love that no one is excluded and that we each have an individually distinct world to focus on friends, family, workmates, street, church, community and all those beautiful strangers who so often slide across our paths unseen, unnoticed.

... there's a world to love,

a world to influence,

a world to pray for.

Don't diminish your part,

don't stress over how it will all pan out and …

don't wonder how and where to find the Will of God.

Rest in His love,

rest in His providence,

rest in His promise,

be faithful with what is important and non-negotiable in His Word,

find a need,

make a stand,

put your hand up,

stay at your post and, trust me, the rest will take care of itself.

So why a pretty satin eyeshade with DO NOT DISTURB, WORLD CHANGER AT REST?

Because all world changers need reminders...

rest in His grace,

rest in His enabling,

rest in His Spirit,

rest that He is well able to complete what He has begun.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit," says our God.
Our strength can carry us so far, but His Strength will carry us all the way... and then BEYOND what we could ever hope or imagine.

Freedom on the way

2009-05-14T00:13:00.002+03:00

It's such an interesting period of my life. I'm in danger in saying the same thing over and over, but I guess it is always somewhat different because it is different season of life.
For me it is still hard to believe that God is SO good to me. I do feel blessed, but it feels as though I have set some limits up to which God's blessing can go, how far He can bless me... IT'S SO STUPID!!! Who am I to set boundaries for Him?! I mean, I can do that, and He doesn't go more than I let Him into my life, more than I can bear, but He always wants to bless me more... This is the thing that fascinates me the most. He doesn't settle half-way. He wants His blessing to go all the way to the end in my life, He wants to bless me abundantly so that my every need would be fulfilled fully, 100% or even more:) It's just me who cannot believe that someone can be so good to me... It's me who believe in average blessings, but not abundant. It's not about being richer or being smarter or being more beautiful or more popular and cool. It's not about you having something, but about the one who has you... It's about believing in Might God who loves you and is ready and able to give everything you need for the life He has given to you. I love Him, and I want to shine His love around. But unless I LET Him guide my steps and GO His ways, I will never be able to experience how abundant and never-ending His love is and will not be able to show that to others. In MATRIX I hear "Free your mind" (which definitely means that you have to believe that you are able to do one or another thing), and I hear God say "Open your heart" which means "Let my love come into you to give you comfort and assurance that never goes in vain that never fades." This is the real freedom - knowing that you can live with who you are and being secure in His hands and supervision. I have the father I've always dreamed of but never though I can have...

Where is He?

2009-05-02T00:50:00.003+03:00

For several days already I've been thinking of some stuff related to living with God. Sometimes it seems so complicated and sometimes so easy. Complicated cases come up with some difficult life situations mostly... Is God where He is supposed to be - in the first place, above all my everyday things? And I see other people struggling with this thing... And the struggle is not something related to being a very difficult task. The struggle is that it is hard to BELIEVE in the simplicity of God. I mean, I can't believe that it is this simple - just living with Him, walking around, doing your work, and helping other people to see His love and their sinfulness. Well, the last I guess should be vice versa:) I became so peaceful inside, I take failures so easy, I do not stress for a long time, and the list can go on. I didn't become perfect, but God healed my heart, and now the most difficult thing is when I have to explain to people that there is no point of being worried. Is God on the throne in my life? I'm trying to keep Him there though I have to admit that there are times I'd like things to go my way. But I see that I am learning to trust Him more and more. That makes me to rejoice, and at the same time confuses me a lot. Why? Because I don't know how to live, I feel unsecure... But again - I'm learning;)

Pride and despair

2009-02-16T15:50:00.002+02:00

Books speak. Movies also.
I don't know how it happens that these guys and girls, I mean, writers, just hit the point of your very essence, and at one moment of the movie or a book you just want to say, "I know what you are talking about." Or you suddenly realize that it's talking about you taking the wrong actions, and the whole stuff begins to tell you, "You have to change, lady. You are not doing the right thing and that will lead you to this..."
I was reading "The Children of Hurin" written by J.R.R. Tolkien for like 2 days, and it just got me! I've bought this book about half a year ago and... left it on the shelf. Somehow, it was too much for me all these stories by Tolkien at that time, and I almost started regretting that I spent money for that book. But time came just as it did for the "Captivating". It has been a while since I've read the book that would involve me so much. I think the last one was "Perelandra" by C.S. Lewis. Just the story about Hurin's curse was much more emotional for me. While reading I came to realize that by being pride when we are too confident in ourselves can be disastrous not just for us, but for all our family. It just ruins everything. Sometimes we, Christians, are proud and too confident. I mean, we have to trust and believe that God is strong enough to secure us and protect us from the enemy. But the thing that actually amazes me a lot is that Christ never was proud in front of the Pharisees and Pilot, and Herod. When I read His words that He said to all these people, I don't hear pride. I hear truth and trust, and confidence in his Dad, and complete peace when He was taken here and there ending at the cross. Even knowing that He is the King of kings, He remained humble till the end. The complete opposite I see in Hurin when he faced Morgot, the Dark Lord. Of course, he didn't let the Black King to defeat him psychologically or spiritually because that's where the main battle was going on - Morgot tried to break Hurin's heart. That is what devil does to us so often. He plays with our minds, he uses our weak points, and sometimes physical torture is easier than a psychological one. Hurin relied on his knowledge and wisdom he learned too much... And that led him to a curse to watch how his family - the wife and the kids - are covered by the shadow of despair. His wife was proud, his son was proud, and his daughter (whom he didn't see born) also became as stubborn as the rest of the family. They were all gifted, had wonderful personalities, and skills. However, their pride and at times arrogance sooner or later took over, and they were running almost all of their lives, and never finding peace except when dead. It is a sad story yet cautionary. It is about the wrong choices made even after being warned of the consequences... It is about the names we give ourselves trying to escape pulling the roots from the soil where problem grows - our heart. I have to count how many time Turin changed his name to hide his real identity... I love what one of the characters said to Hurin's son Turin: "It is you yourself who carries the curse, and not your name."

Heart in battle field

2008-12-29T01:26:00.004+02:00

I know that this will pass -
the pain, the loss, the sadness.
I know You'll carry it away with grace
that overcomes it all.
I know You'll come,
I know my soul will find a rest in You.
I know You're here already
looking after me and caring.
I know You love,
I know You want to wipe my tears away.
Then...
why it is so hard to live in this?

Sometimes the only thing you are left with is faith... It is kind of obvious that this should be the main thing, the most important thing, and yo should rejoice in it.
Sometimes I would just like to shut my eyes up and not see, to plug up my ears and not to hear, to lock my heart and not to feel... Kind of depressive feelings after this wonderful celebration of Jesus' birthday... I am happy that He was born, that He faced all the human things I'm going through even though He was a man:) I am happy and really thankful for His death on the cross, and enormously grateful for resurrection in which all my hope for seeing His face and meeting my Dad and Creator one day lies. This is true. And it is also true that I get into such a difficult life period when I think I cannot make it anymore... I'm letting so many things that it seems that I'm left with nothing... God is leaving me only with one thing - His presence. It is precious and the most dear thing. I know so well that it is the dearest thing ever, and nothing compares to it. But on the other hand, it is so difficult to let go things that you are used to, that makes you feel safe, that you are familiar with and you know how it works. It's because I am human, and I still have an old nature in my bones. No one said it is gonna be easy if you really go after Christ, but still everyone expects that. I expect that, and I guess this makes the battle more difficult to fight...

Open your eyes and get your hands and feet ready...

2008-12-22T12:40:00.002+02:00

All I have is Yours...

2008-12-21T00:43:00.005+02:00

It's so hard to say these words "All I have is Yours, God". I am currently quite often reminded of the story about the servants that were given some money by their master to take care of. It was not their property, but that only made things more difficult for them. I mean, they had to feel more responsible. Sometimes we don't deal with our stuff very caring and waste them or keep them safe and do not invest because it feel so good just to have stuff or else. In general, we are just free to do whatever we want. But when we are given something by someone to make use of it, we have kind of responsibility to do that. I remember one pastor told a story how he and his wife left a car to their neighbor because they left the country for one year. He was supposed to use it, but instead he kept it in the garage and... parts of it rusted up. And when these pastors came back they had a lot more problems with it than when they left just because this neighbor didn't use it. I guess, it would even be better if the car would have been crashed in the accident than left to deteriorate.
When it comes to God we don't own a thing in our life, even our own bodies. Everything I have belongs to Him and comes from Him. It is written in James 1:17 that "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights". When you think carefully (and this, by the way, contradicts the fact that Christians are naive sissies, because we have to THINK to understand things of God), we haven't even given birth to ourselves. For us it was pretty comfy to be in the belly of our mother, and I am sure that it would be called really foolish if we wanted to get out of a place where we don't have to look for food, where it is warm and where we have "roof' over our heads, and we do not need to be worried about the clothes (especially important for women:))) We were kicked out by our mother (and I'm not surprised it is called labour in English - it looks like really hard work when you hear the stories) or taken out by a "good" fellow - obstetrician or surgeon (I don't know who does all the surgeries in this field yet:)). And we screamed at him or her. It might be that it could be something like this, "What did you, jerk?!! Get me back right NOW!!!" (sorry for bad language) We could have stayed dust-like, but God decided to create a man... He owns the authorship of our outward and inward stuff, our psyche complexity and other things that makes me who I am. It's simply overwhelming!!! He gave me my abilities, allowed me achieve things I have, finish my studies, have friends who are so right for me, get my job, and the list can go on. But we don't think about it like that. We think WE own these things. We think WE have achieved what we have achieved. We think WE are COOL because WE are so SMART. Oh, please, give me a break!!! It's just terrible how people DO NOT THINK. Well, they might think, but up till some level which is controlable.
We were give life - this is the money we have to invest to see our Master happy. We cannot dig it under ground, and think that we will be able to store it up till the day when all the worries and shades of the world will pass, and we will be able to dig it out and show, "Here, take what's yours". It's not gonna work. We will rust up like that car in the garage. It's better to be crushed down, spitted at, laughed at, but to live a life according to what you've been given, making use of it even if not always successful. If you invest your life in the way God has ordained you will definitely have His welcome to His presence.

"Lord, all I have is Yours. Sometimes, I get confused and lost about how to use what You have given to me, so I pray that You would help me to see it in the best way which will glorify You, the giver of life, light and peace. In Jesus name. Amen"

Desert

2008-12-09T20:32:00.003+02:00

Sometimes I feel like being in the desert together with Israelites: it seems that I am going in circles and am not able to get out out of the sandy space... A lot of temptation to start to murmur, no sight of what's ahead. The only thing I can actually hold on is just the promises of God and faith that He is faithful and will keep you even if everything around says, "Dear, it's going to ruins... It's not working". Actually, it's not just saying, it's the SCREAMING and sometimes laughing. The enemy is watching when you will breakdown, and he is able to sting you one more time, and maybe this time with deadly sting. No wonder that it is writen that our enemy is walking around like lion watching when it could snatch us.... The good thing is that this desert is lasting only for 3 months:), and during these months there were some refreshing points in it...

Your hand is leading me to places I don't know.
It seems so dark in here
no air to breathe
no light to see...
But you are leading me through safety path.

"Hold on to me", - You say,
"And trust that I will take
to places of abundance and of joy.
Your soul will rest in there
and dance in joyful peace.
Believe me, I won't leave
cause you're my dear one."

Reminders

2008-12-02T14:35:00.004+02:00

It's so refreshing when the cover of grey clouds is pierced with the blade of sunshine:) I love that view.
So often we are clouded with different hard questions which are not being answered, worries of life or our heart, difficulties and trials in our lives. I have to say it is not my favourite time of the season. I feel down, I miss sun, I miss light, I miss blue sky... When I look at it in these good times, it feels as if I can see my King and Saviour there walking around and smiling, and delighting in us. When I look at the grey sky with these big heavy clouds, it seems that gates of heaven are shut forever... But God established shifts between night and day, and we do not have dark periods for eternity. Praise the Lord for that! He always reminds us that He is the loving father, and just King. Today, finally, His love and might has got through the clouds of my life reminding me that I still am His beloved daughter, His redeemed child. He reminded me of what He told me 7 years ago when we had our first real conversation. When I suddenly heard His voice saying that only He is to be the foundation of my life because He is the same yesterday, today and forever, because His love for me never changes... That was the happiest day of my life, just I didn't understand at that time. And it is not that I didn't know about all this. It's just that sometimes knowing is not everything. Sometimes you just don't see how He works or the way He works is not the way you think things should go. This makes you feel as if He's somewhere thousands miles away, and doesn't care about you being in the pit of dispair, anxiety, etc. But He is always there, trying to tell you that He is right here, on your left or right, or even standing and looking at your face. We only have to lift up our eyes and look to the hills ... and hearts as well. I love God:) I love Holy Spirit:) It is really good at reminding the great works God did for you, blessings that were poured out, and promises that were given. It reminds us about God's faithfulness and love for everyone. EVERYONE. No one is excluded even the worst of all. And one big reminder is that Jesus did died on the cross and that the tomb is empty. It looks like this truth is penetrating my mind in this season of my life. My heart has already given up, but my mind is still in the battle field sometimes (I guess, there will always be a season for that). Anyway, I want to make a reminder in big letters and stick it on the walls of my house that everytime things will get on the edge of desperation, I would see it

Ponder no more. Just live the live you were given...

Invisible power

2008-11-26T14:14:00.007+02:00

Lately, God gives me very valuable lessons about relationships. I'm not sure if I have already understood everything. Actually, I don't think so... I learned one thing that there is still a lot to learn. God has built up a great foundation in the very heart of mine during 5 years of my Christian walk, and now He starts working on my relationships with people, on how I talk, express opinion, relate to people, show my love to them. Well, He started that at the beginning of the year actually. Suddenly I find myself as a baby who kind of knows how to walk, but stumbles a lot with her first steps on her own feet. When you become a Christian, sometimes you can start feeling so powerful like Bruce: playing tricks with the soup, lady's skirt, changing mannequin's clothes, etc. It seems that you have power over everything and you have all the answers. And you scream out of the top of your lungs like Jack in "Titanic", "I am the winner of the world!!!"... And then you crash...

I am fascinated about Jesus. When I read all the stories about Him, I am just amazed how much power there can be when you give it up. All the Gospels are soaked in the message that the power Jesus was acting on does not come from Him, that He is not doing anything for His own glory, for His own benefit, etc. It is all for the glory of the Father. And He is the Son of God!!! That is so overwhelming! Everyone kind of knew who He was - Jesus of Nazareth, son of Joseph. That is so creative - to put the biggest treasure for humanity not into a golden cup or a window! I've been just reminded of a movie NATIVITY STORY, particularly one place when Herod gives orders to look for a wealthy man, a man of power, whom people will follow, on the road to Bethlehem, and here comes Joseph with pregnant Mary, and after a little search they let them go saying "It's not him." I laughed. It's like being rich, but not showing off and living a decent and peaceful life with simple people, trying to employ your money for a greater purpose - helping those in need. I know I've seen some movie on that as well, but can't remember now... At some point, all this associate with Aragorn and Frodo from "The Lord of the Rings", too.

There is a man whom I don't know much about. When we first met, he seemed very nice, everyday guy, and didn't look like a mighty one:) But when I got to know him closer and got to talk to him on several occasions, I felt that this is a very special man, who has the power. Inner power. And being of the same height with him, I suddenly felt so small and unimportant. One moment I thought, "What am I doing here? I'm nothing..." Of course, this is not true, because , first, every one of us is important and valuable in the eyes of God. That reaction of mine came out just because so many people have told me that I am so cool and strong that I started to believe it to be true. Everyone likes to feel cool:) It is a great feeling! But in this world, one could be cool for one day, and the other he might loose his power and coolness. A thought about Saul and David crossed my mind. A reminder of Boromir ("The Lord of the Rings"). When you feel powerful, when you think you possess something (money, knowledge, contacts, etc.), it is so easy to fall into pridefulness and it is so difficult to get out of it... When you expose your power, people might get fascinated about you for some time, respectful, maybe get fearful about you, but will they follow you to the death? I don't know... Speaking from the point of view of a woman, I would say so: I don't think that any woman would be happy with a bossy husband who do not show love to her and looks at her as an object for keeping house clean and ministring him in bed, and there would be no woman who would mind having a caring and loving husband who maybe is not something in the outer world, but values her. There is something very special about the power of love, inscribed in our hearts, especially if it's written with the blood of Jesus. You can not touch it or smell it or see it, but you can always feel it. And sooner or later this power gives fruits: heals the wounds, opens the eyes, restores joy, peace and happiness to your life. Power which no one can see...

How to ruin God's perfect plan...

2008-11-18T19:52:00.003+02:00

- by not being sensitive to His voice, trying to warn you of the consequences...
- by dreaming and not stopping doing that on time
- simply by focusing and persisting on what you think is true rather than giving everything into His mighty hands...

It's all about the girls stuff. Sometimes I am thinking how much young girls strive for love, affection and acceptance that they grab whatever comes along their way. It can be so disastrous not only for the young hearts, but also for those already with some experience. If not lucky, we either close up and hide everything in our little, vulnerable hearts, or just blow it all to all into whatever... Not sure if that would be the description, but the point is that after some tries we come to some sort of conclusion which in many cases are not constructive and objective. Unless we come to Daddy who cares and sees all very clearly. But sometimes it is so hard to accept His support and embrace, and His "I will take care of it. I know what to do". Sometimes we strive for human love and acceptance which in many cases go vain when He is always here for us. Open arms, caring heart, loving affection. And I mean ALWAYS. Somehow the warning of "do not arouse or awaken love until it desires" passes by unnoticed. Like in "Bruce Almighty" we do not notice when God is speaking and trying to take care of us, because we are so focused on our own understanding of things and processes in our live and in life of others. We think we know, but the only thing that we really know is what is in the past, we know the experience of others, and we know movies and TV shows... And we know that our hearts hurt. So often we let these love dreams so deep into our hearts that they actually start killing us. We let that shiny dagger offered by our biggest enemy to pierce our hearts willingly. And then we bleed, and sometimes die of despair and hopelessness. And our Daddy sits right beside full of words of comfort in His lips and ready to step in if... we only ask.
I thought I have ruined God's plan. But thanks to Him, the dagger only scratched the surface of my heart. Still, I am bleeding because the wound is still fresh and sore. I hate it, but my Daddy is telling me that I had a lesson. " How long am I gonna learn this stuff over and over", - a thought crossed my mind. "Well, it depends on you, my dear", - He said (it's amazing that you don't even have to tell anything, He just reads it in your head:)). - "I told you what is best for you, I shared my plan for you, and the only thing you had to do was to let me do the stuff. You did really great at the beginning," - said He while bandaging my wounds, "But you yourself ran into that mess. I told you not to worry.... Anyway, now everything is over. Things are back to normal. I am very proud that you did listen to me the other day. Don't worry, he is not gonna run away:) I have my own timing. Just trust me." I love Him. God is so awesome, He loves us as we are, He teaches us for our best, and... He lets us do mistakes as well. Whatever happens though, He is always there with open arms to embrace us when we come running back to Him, or catches us when we already falling, but remember Him. And it is not only about guys. It's about all sorts of things passing through our lives... He is awesome! Love you, Dad:*

Laminin

2008-10-11T00:25:00.002+03:00

This blew me off...

God's speaking: people, signs, and your heart

2008-09-02T12:43:00.006+03:00

Sometimes I am asking myself, how come so many things supporting one main theme can come together. Sometimes it looks like someone wants to persuade me into choosing particular path, into some way of thinking or lifestyle, or job or whatever... I'm quite self-conscious, I mean, I think and analyze my feelings, decisions, arguments to be sure that I am not driven only by my emotions. Sometimes emotions are good:) But even in this field I am trying to be objective, even about myself. Sometimes it's the hell, because there are certain things in all of our lives that we want to be sure we choose the right thing. Otherwise, we know, that it would be a crush-down for us, a disaster. One of these things is finding your life-mate:) Another thing is about what you do in your life. Some people don't make such a fuss out of it. They have their profession, and they are happy to work in that field. Others are full of ideas in their heads, and running around with thousands of task to do. And I'm sure that there are some other sorts, I haven't investigated this phenomenon:) It seemed I knew what I want to do. I would dive into psychology, and might have become an average psyche-diver:) But then I met God. I got to know Him, and He taught me how think wider, and that "ruined" everything... I put "ruined" in quotation-marks because actually He put everything in order, just it is not recognizable for me. In 5 years, I got to understand that He knows me better than I do. One day, not so long ago, He asked me one question:
"Did you created yourself?"
Aaaah, nope... - I answered.
"So how can you know what is the best for you? You decide about this according to what other people choose, according to what you like or dislike, according to what you think you are capable of, according to what is popular and what the market offers. But neither market, not people, nor this society has created you? How can they know what you have to do? It is decided only by tradition, customs, etc. But it is not necessarily what I have planned for these people."
That made me think. People ask what is their purpose in this life. And it was like the light from heaven - their purpose is to live in agreement with God who has created all of us for different works through which glory goes to God. Many people don't like this thought. They want to glorify themselves. But I am not going too deep into it now... Recent 7 months have been a field of research, learning, anxiety, doubts, trials, etc. I was trying to understand why I was told (by God) that I am leaving that job. I was trying to work out different ideas, was looking for another job, and nothing. And then, in the midst of all this thinking and attempts to understand what's going on, one very persistent feeling was coming to the surface more and more each day - full time ministry. I asked God what I am to do, and got verses from the Bible... I wrote in some of my earlier posts about not wanting to accept what God is speaking, when you say: "Are you sure? I don't think so. It's not for me. Maybe I understood it not in a right way", etc. This was the time when, I would say, I didn't wanted to understand, when I didn't want to hear His answer. I remember the doors I entered a while ago... I was crying. I was was so scared. After a while God lead me to one person, and she encouraged me to go for it. On another day after we spoke, I went to church, and the word for that Sunday was about the calling. I was chuckling inside. I couldn't believe that it is actually happening. He, God, is trying to say something and quite clearly. Will I listen? If you remember, I wrote in the beginning that I try not to lean on my emotions when I make a decision. So, I tried to analyze the whole situation objectively... I couldn't find contra-arguments. I mean, I was saying all this stuff "I can't", "I don't know how to do it", "I will not be able", bla bla bla... I was afraid, and I have to say that I still am at some point, but... I love what Benny Hin wrote in his book "He Touched Me" as Lord's answer to this kind of arguments. God answered to His saying "Lord, I can't do this", "Good, then I will able to work". Maybe the quote is not completely the same, but the thought is that His power is in our weaknesses. That what apostal Paul was writing about. So... I am in labyrinth. I have no idea where the exit is, but I have the One who is leading me to it. The only thing I have to do - to trust Him. And I know He is the trustworthy. He already proved that to me. The question is - am I to trust His faithfulness shown?

Winning and losing

2008-08-25T17:05:00.007+03:00

Battles are always an ugly stuff. We try to avoid it, but either we want that or not, we are always in the battle field called LIFE OR DEATH. I'm not talking about physical death or existence in biological form. I am always reminded of Jesus' words that He will give us life abundantly. What did He mean? Nikodemus also had this question when Jesus said that a man has to be born again. It all refers to the terminology of Heaven. You have to choose either Life or Death, Heaven or Hell, Jesus or Satan. I mean that you are choosing anyway, because if you are not choosing Life, you are choosing to die... Spiritually. If you are not choosing Jesus, you are kind of saying "yes" to Satan. I have noticed that human being cannot be just by himself or herself. He (or she) is always in someone's hands. I guess, attempts to find meaning of life, a huge variety of religions is kind of indicator that we know that we do not fully own our lives. But there is the only one who said, "I am the Truth, the Way, and the Life". No one else dared:) They might have said that "if you live by my teaching you will find life", but Jesus said that HE himself is LIFE. And He also said, that those who choose to follow Him will have life abundantly. That is the most difficult part for many people, even Christians. It is not so difficult to live according to the law of God at some point. But to follow Jesus is like to choose to disown your own opinion, judgements, and understanding. It is not about not having opportunity or right (that is a very popular word nowadays) to choose. This amazes me the most that God is never taking this from us - the right to decide with whom to stay, whom to follow. Today I am discovering that I am choosing to follow Christ with complete submission of my will to God's will because I have seen and experienced that everything He is doing in my life is good for me and others. I give up my will for His will willingly. That is the craziest thing ever for anyone to understand... And I know that no one will understand the fact that I am giving up opportunity to go for a job in my favorite city in Europe. It is really not easy to give up this opportunity but I feel liberated when I choose this way, when I choose to stay in my country to be God's vessel for the people of my country. That doesn't mean that I will become someone here, but I will stay in peace. I know that someone will definitely say that I am an idiot, but... I feel free. Sometimes when you loose, you win...

Letting go...

2008-07-22T00:31:00.004+03:00

Sometimes it seems that life is getting out of your hands over and over. Now the time has come again... What does it show? I haven't given certain spheres to my Creator and Saviour to be the Chief and Commander. It is always like that: you are going in circles like Israelites did in the desert. God does wants to put you in the promised land, just you keep going off the track. I am surprised by God's patience. It is so difficult to walk in faith, to step into unknown with nothing in your hands but faith and trust in the One who alone is able to keep your head above the water. The most amasing thing for me about God is that He is waiting because He knows that I will make the step forward - towards Him and will grab His hand. He knows how tied we are to the worldly stuff and how big the control issues are in our hearts. Letting go is difficult, but not impossible. What is really important to God is us not giving up trying: stumbling, falling, but still getting up. If I didn't have this trust in Him, this wonderful conviction of Holy Spirit that He who began the work in us is faithful and will finish it until the day of Christ coming back, I wouldn't have survived and would have drawn back. I'm waiting for the moment I will not be afraid to step over my fear...

New doors

2008-06-29T20:44:00.004+03:00

Today I saw new doors right in front of me. I tried not to look at them, not to notice, but they were there, and were not to move anywhere except for getting behind my back when I open them and go through them... I hesitated, I bursted into tears because it was so scary. I mean, ain't you supposed to be happy with the new calling? I was not happy, I wanted to draw back, and say, "No, Lord, this is too much for me. I don't think I can do that. It's not for me. Maybe you should look for someone else." All this stuff was going through my mind, and all around one thought that was not a doubtful one, but very clear. Did you ever had the kind of moments when you know the truth, but simply you are trying to avoid accepting it? Or when you know where you have to go and what you have to do, but you are focusing on a lot of other stuff just not to do what you are supposed to do, making various kind of excuses, etc.? And you are doing this only because YOU think you are not able to do, or you are weak or else. For me, the most incredible thing about God putting gifts and callings in our life is that He thinks I am the one who is capable to do the appointed task. I have to admit that the moment of today when I saw the doors and understood that I will have to enter through it was sooooo stressful! It's like when you are asked to enter the unknown. It's realy scary. You always want to escape the uncomfortable situations, and just live freely and without any big interruptions. But this is not the life we were calle to be on this planet Earth. We are to be interrupted by God at any time of the day or night. Recently, I shared with my friend that I feel like God is guiding me through the labirinth, and that I have lost any understanding of which way to go, and the only thing left is just to focus on God and go after Him. Some time later in my paper diary I wrote that Lord is opening a new door for my ministry, new spheres of impact. When I think about all the stuff that is happening recently in my life, I find it so BIG, so OVERWHELMING. I want to scream to the Lord that I cannot manage that, but today He showed once again: IT IS NOT FOR ME TO MANAGE. I have to do my part. It is not me doing the salvation job, it Him. He knows I cannot do all things. If I could I wouldn't need my brothers and sisters in Christ. HE, GOD, knows that I can do what He is appointing me to do. On the other hand, I have to be prepared, we, Christians, have to be prepared to enter big plans of God. He is not doing a small talk. He is doing the big stuff, He is messing the mind of the wise and powerful, He is lifting the heads of the desperate in the ways that are far beyond our understanding. At some point, we don't need to understand - we need to obey and trust. And today, nevertheless I was freaking out about what things and relationships I would have to let go, I have chosen to open the doors and welcome the unknown; and that was done with feeling weak and uncertain, and vulnerable. I have the only weapon in my life - my faith in the faithful and loving God who has already shown me that I can trust Him in all matters in my life. My prayer is for strength and open eyes...

Conversation...

2008-05-30T22:56:00.003+03:00

- I failed again! What?! What am I doing wrongly?! - my heart cried.

Silence...

- Will You not tell me? - I looked up in the sky hoping to read something there...

- What did you do? - the question came up.

- Well, You gave me the topic, ideas, and I did it, - I answered.

- How you did it?

- ???

- Who did it?

- What You mean?! I thought it was Your idea!

- Yep, it was mine...

- So? What You mean?

- Did you consulted me how to do it?..

- Well... Kind of...

- You tried to impress them with your wisdome and coolness. You failed just because once again you took the stuff into your hands...

- But...

- I love you, I let you know what I want to do, but I want to do that my way, because as I've already told you whole lot of times that I know the best how to do it. You left me aside and got into your way of implementation.

- But I felt You stand beside me! Wasn't that You.

- Yes, I was, but did you listen to me?

- I don't get it...

- Remember March? I feel sad to feel you are getting away from me again... I want to be in your life not as occassional adviser or just as a generator of ideas for you to become famous and cool. I want my glory to fill your life for MY GLORY, because I won't ever share it with anyone! For I am God, the Creator of heavens and earth, who made all things, and who has given life to you. Write that in your heart, and never forget. I want to fill your life with my spirit, so that you could be free, and happy, and your life would have fullness. I want you to be who you are created for.

That was the end for me... He, God, wants to be in my life. He is not requiring from me to come in His house, to His presence. HE WANTS to be in my life. This is so awesome! Do you feel the difference?! It's not that He is trying to scare us to be in the fear of Him to be with Him. It is not what my God is saying. My God is saying, "I love you. I want to be with you, but if you don't want to be with me, I won't try to force you to do this. I just want you to know that it is better for you to be with me, but it is up to you to decide and choose. I want you to love me. And I know that I cannot force this love, because I want it to be genuine and real." HE WANTS to have relationship with me. HE LOVES me. HE RESPECTS me and IS NOT INTERFERRING with my free will. It is up to me to decide to stay with Him. He extends His hand through Jesus death on the cross, and this is such an exposure how He loves me. It is incredible! It is so difficult for people to believe it. It is such an illusion for many of us. But I choose to come to Him, and stay there, in His presence and full security. This conversation today turned me around to return to Him. We so easily let God's hand go from ours, and loose the track. Thanks God that He knows where I am, and COMES HIMSELF to look for me so that I could come back to the right path. He takes me seriously and thinks I AM WORTH of His attention.

Escaping reality

2008-05-26T22:10:00.002+03:00

It is always easy to dream about near or far away future... It is quite easy to imagine how things should be. It is much more difficult to start working for these things to happen. Things start at the bottom if we want to built somewhere up. Now it sounds like Christine Caine saying that when we know the blueprint it is necessary to start digging the dirt to start the building... You don't built 20th floor of the building and then go down with the building process. It sounds quite absurd especially when you know that we have the law of gravitation here on planet Earth... Sometimes people escape reality by daydreaming... Today, I feel I am one of them... even this writing here not in my own language... Sometimes I feel more secure with English. It's like talking about different person, not about myself... And at some point, it's like making sure that people who know you in your own country won't know these things about you. You might never meet people who will read this:) And that what makes internet quite a secure place to hide yourself in a crowd... Sometimes it is scary to face reality of self, to face the real situation you are at... There was time when not doing nothing was a shame for me. At the moment I am doing nothing (I mean, I am not working), but the situation is different in this aspect: I am trying to look fine and pretenting that it is a perfect time to "look for God". It's such a lie!!! And taking into account the fact that God knows everything about me - every thought, move, feeling - I am lying to myself. I am just trying look cool... And actually, I am looking miserable... inside... I hear the words from the letter to the Church of Laodicea in the book of Revelation: "You say, 'I'm rich. I have everything I want. I don't need a thing!' And you don't realise that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked." (Rev 3:17) Well, I am beginning to realise my nakedness now, and it's really uncomfortable for me to see these things... God is stopping me now, and if I won't do this, He will try to stop me next time,and it can be much painful than it is now. Sometimes I feel as if I am trying to implement the prophesy myself... It is so difficult to acknowledge that I need only to live having in mind God's commands, and He will do things that needs to be done. Sin was saying to God, "I want to live in my own way". What is "my own"? You and me, we even didn't create ourselves. How, on earth, can we know what is our way? Well, at some point I would say that now I know what is my way - it is God's way:) What is God's way? Good question:) Can you trust Him and follow His instructions without questioning? Or questioning Him is just a form of trying to avoid responsibility to do what is appointed to you, a form of rebellion?...

Following God

2008-01-28T18:03:00.002+02:00

It is such an amasing experience to live out uncertainty... When you have no idea where you will go, or what you will do. Thousands of plans, ideas, offers cross you mind everyday. Doubts as well... The flesh is so strong in trying to get you back from your decisions to follow the Lord, to do His will. These are the cases when your faith is tested in fire and water. These are the moments when you really feel that you have to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, on God's promises. And... God is answering your prayers in doubt. He strengthens you with His word and reminder through the Holy Spirit who speaks either directly to you or through brothers and sisters in Christ whom you don'e even know sometimes. I love this:) These are the moments when I worship my Lord with a joyful heart full of hope and knowing that He will not let me be ashamed.

Here is a little reflection on obeying God from www.crosswalk.com

Peter was a professional fisherman. He knew how to gauge weather conditions, where to find the best places to fish, and when to end an unproductive night. Because of his expertise, he may have silently questioned the reasonableness of Jesus' instruction. Why let down the nets when an experienced team of fishermen hadn't caught anything all night?
Sometimes God asks His children to act in ways that appear unreasonable. His request might involve leaving a job or ministry that He provided only recently, taking on more responsibility when life already feels overloaded, or accepting an assignment that seems better suited for someone with a different skill set. Perhaps God's plan makes no sense in view of age, financial situation, or health condition. Yet, because of the One who asks, it will be the absolutely right thing to do. We have to decide whether to do what is sensible by human standards or to obey God.
The Bible talks about many people who had to make such a choice. Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac. Noah was told to build an ark on dry land because a flood was coming. Joshua was given a military strategy of marching around Jericho instead of attacking it (Joshua 6:2-5). Gideon, the inexperienced fighter, was told to send most of his warriors home before the battle (Judges 7:2-3). They all obeyed and experienced God's power released on their behalf.
Don't let human logic dictate whether you follow God's plan. Trust in Him as Peter and these other faithful believers did

Question

2007-12-15T00:18:00.002+02:00

Kind of continuation...

... whom do you trust?

... what do you trust?

... where does your hope or meaning of life lies?

How big is your fear?

2007-12-04T22:49:00.002+02:00

This question was bugging my mind for couple of days... Today I want to ask you, whether your fear of:
- losing job...
- not making career...
- stopping your studies or not succeeding in them...
- not having enough money...
- losing your car...
- losing your flat...
- losing the comfort you have...
- losing your family...
- losing your friends...
- being lonely...
- being out of place...
- being different...
- being called "jerk", "fanatic" or else words...
- being in the last line...
- dying...
- hunger and thirst...
- etc.

... is bigger than the fear of losing relationship with God?

So often we tie our hearts to very wordly things, sometimes with really good intentions - to proclaim Good News and God's glory... So often we end up with our glory by starting to do our works rather than God's. So often we get stressed just because we are not succeeding the way we think we should. So often we say, "I have to work, Jesus. Just wait a moment; I'll finish this and we will talk then..." So often this 'then" never comes. We find millions of reasons not to give time for Jesus. Sometimes it is because we think that He is always here, somewhere beside us... Well, yeah, He is, just after very long time of non-communication or not paying attention to what He says, we forget how His voice sounds, and how He looks like... And the consequesces are that we simply stop trusting Him, we doubt Him, we say, "Is it really your will?" or just cry out, "God show me how should I do this or that?!", but when He says what to do, we turn around as wonder, "Are you sure?". This usually happens when His suggestion does not look right to our eyes. But thanks God, that He is not like human, and sees things not like human.

So... how many compromises you make when God says you to leave your comfy sofa, flat, job...? How desparately you seek husband or wife rather that seeking God first, seeking relationship with Him? How many contra-arguments you find when you have to leave your family for God's work or just give more time for ministry...? How easy is your separation form parents to be gone with God? It sounds radical, too demanding, but God wants all your life, trust and hope to be in His hands. And it is for our best.

(hopefully to be continued)

Changes knock at the door

2007-11-27T19:28:00.002+02:00

The time has come... for something more than just sitting on your comfy sofa, thinking peacefully about something to be changed. It knocks, it invites. Why it?! It is He who speaks with His word which is so alive even if it was spoken ages ago. Today I read: "I let you choose the way of life and the way of death" (Jer 21:8). It sounds really strange for me at the moment when he says to me: "Surrender! And I will save you." And this speaks to my heart so strongly. It is not jumping from fear, it stays in peace when hearing these words, and this tells me that it is true, and that this comes from the Lord. If it was my decision I'd rather stayed with what I'm in, and would struggle to fight with something that is not for my strength, and that is not my fight. Sometimes we strive to change the the whole world just with our strength, and stop hearing Lord's voice telling us to do other things. We so often fight the fight that is not ours, and then we wonder why God turns away and doesn't bless... Sometimes walking with God is just like walking on water with waves under your feet, but as one song sings "at Your word, Lord, I'll receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep." I know, I have to do what I have to do, and first of all trust His word and promise, and walk on this water...

Unworthy of grace?

2007-11-12T23:55:00.002+02:00

A friend of mine wrote me quite a desperate letter about his difficulty to communicate with God. God really knows how I understand him, because I have been into the same situation, into that despair of not being worthy of God’s love, and just wanted to share some thoughts that came out when writing him back.

We all are sinners, but we are saved by grace if we accept Jesus. Now it seems so simple, but back then it was so difficult to understand HOW (!!!) someone can accept you with all the dirt you have in yourself! I couldn’t accept myself like that, I tried to EXPLAIN, find arguments, just to make myself righteous in MY eyes. This sounds so stupid now, but then it sounded really reasonably. Why not? Otherwise, we feel so unworthy to go to see our Father in Heaven. What I wrote to that friend of mine was that recently God showed me, reminded me several important things:
- first, that it is all Satan’s attempts to draw us back from God though making us see our imperfections so big that we begin to think that we are not worthy to go to Heaven, and see God face to face.
- secondly, that the most amazing thing is that IT IS NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU ARE WORTHY TO GO TO HEAVEN OR NOT :) It is not Satan that swallows us (my friend was asking a prayer not be swallowed by Satan), it is US who give up in trusting the everlasting love of God, it is us who listen to Satan's lies more that to God's promises. GOD made a promise that everyone who believes in His Son, will not see death, and will be saved. That is it. He cannot refuse from Himself... Do you understand this? He said, "I love you, Kristina, Michael, Sybile, etc. I love you so much, that I am going to die for you on the cross so that you can have free path through my blood for getting home, for getting where you actually belong". And He has done that. Dot. You cannot change it, you cannot change the past:) You have it just because God so loved you that "gave His beloved Son" for you, and He is not taking His word back. When God says something, it happens (Phil Dooley's words:)), and His word becomes flesh, becomes reality, because…
- thirdly, God never does anything that is not worth doing. Yes, you are worthy to go to hell because you are sinful. So am I, so is everyone on this earth, but YOU ARE WORTHY OF GOD'S LOVE BECAUSE GOD THINK IT IS TO BE LIKE THAT. If you hold on to Jesus, you are forgiven. Jesus has died for all your transgressions long before they happened. It happened despite the fact that He knew that it will happen. I am almost sure, I would never die for myself if I knew what kind of person I was, and how it will be difficult to get my heart right into position it is now. There would have be no hope for that. But God so loved the world despite all the evil things that are happening now, that He decided to redeem us, He decided to save the rest of the ones who will believe in Him and His word.
- fourth and very important thing is that I cannot talk any person into believing. It is very personal, and you have to go into this alone. It is very good when you have a support, but in many cases it happens like it happened to me – when I was completely alone in my little room. And you cannot help God to do change things of your life, except if it is opening the doors to Him. All the rest is His job, and He gladly takes it:) He is the only one who can clean up your drains from the filth that stinks to you. And He can do that to the extent that you would like to live there:)) That's when He helps you to love yourself for who you really are - the wonderful creation of His hands.

So often, Satan is just playing with your hard feelings, reminding all the things you've done wrong and keeping you pitting yourself, but God doesn't see any of these because of Jesus blood on the cross. You think you are not worthy of this kind of acceptance? Well, I will repeat what I have told you in the beginning IT IS NOT YOU WHO DECIDES ABOUT BEING WORTHY OR NOT. God decided that you are long time ago;) So, just enjoy your time in His fellowship;)

God of trust

2007-10-16T12:45:00.001+03:00

I just wanted to share my recent experiences of trusting God in everyday situations. And a question popped out in my mind: how many times God said to His people, "I will take care of you" in one or another way? He showed it and was repeating this over and over. Glory to Him for this patience with us! Sometimes we really trust our Lord too little. I remember Peter walking on water towards Jesus. Our faith vanishes with even a small rippling in our comfortable life... It is amazing to watch other, and myself at some point, trying to control all situation of their lives. We get stressful, sad, worried, doubting about so many things, that are not going the way we imagined them to be. We forget that it is not our hands who are our provider. On Thursday I interpreted during an evening service in one church, and the pastor spoke on being in the desert. Things that he told, moments of that exodus of Israel that he mentioned... they were so strongly speaking to my current state, current situation. God reminded how He took care of me in the difficult times of my life, how He provided me. I don't remember how that was at that time, to tell the truth... I just know that He did took care of me, provided me with everything I needed. He is doing the same at the moment as well. Just me... I don't give Him proper gratitude... and trust. When you begin to feel confident in your situation, and start thinking that it is your work, your skills, qualification, knowledge earns you provision, then you start drowning, because you are not putting your faith on the One who is actually the only able to keep you above the water. I unerstood that this morning: Sunday morning in my office when I was trying to figure out if I a not falling into sin with going to work on things I haven't finished through the week... What does it mean to celebrate the sabath? Sometimes I don't know if that should be just an visual celebration or inner. I just know that I have to do my work because otherwise that will be concidered irresponsibility even by our Lord. I remember Christ healing on Sabath, doing good deeds on that day and saying that His Father is still working... I know He will answer this question for me, and if I do wrong I will have my punishment. Still in this furious time of my life when it seems that the week is gone in 5 minutes, and you remember only Monday and Friday with the rest of the days dropped out from your mind, I know that He knows it, sees it, and wants to come to help me... I know I have no control of the next week's things, and I am really nervous, my mind freaks out when I think about tasks I will have to manage, but... My heart has peace... When I think about my decision I have made in my mind, I feel peace though my flesh tries to keep me back. This is really amazing when you can laugh even in the midst of all the wordly worries. You have peace, and you work in peace, and you ake decisions in peace, because you know that God is here for you:) And the evil thoughts that we bother Him with our prayers, and asking for help should be cast away... Far far away. He showed what His love for us and everyhting is. And this is a BIG LOVE painted with blood on the cross.

Divine comfort

2007-08-29T15:56:00.001+03:00

A few days ago I received a comment on my post in another blog. It is reposted below. It seems that it doesn't tell anything new, but for that evening it was something... Something for me who was falling into desperation about certain part of my life. I don't remember what I was about when I was writing that post (it was long time ago), but the answer was given to my current question ("Maybe I should do something myself?..). I burst to tears, and it was because of God's greatness, goodness, and care and love for me. He IS real, He IS answering the questions and need when YOU think everything is lost... I couldn't hold the joy and thank Him for every comforting word He gives me directly or through other people.

**********************************************

ONE MAN'S TRASH IN ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE

The man that treats you like trash is ignorant of your worth and who he is and his role to you. He is not even worth you or your time. Let him go and let the man of God that God has molded (or may be still molding) just for you, find you. He will know your worth and treat you as such according to this wisdom. You will be a treasure to him.

God's Word says, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." (Proverbs 31:10-12)

What is a virtuous woman? Virtuous is defined (in the Encarta Dictionary) as:
1. with moral intergrity; having or showing goodness or righteousness
2. chaste; not having sexual intercourse with anyone except a partner in marriage, especially a husband (as Christians we know that it should ONLY be in marriage)

After reading this definition, can you attribute this adjective to yourself? If so, continue pleasing your Lord. If not, this is to be your aim as a Christian woman in mind, body and soul.

The Bible tells us, "Who so findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." (Proverbs 18:22) Y

OU are to be sought after. YOU are to be chased. YOU are to be found. Not vice versa. You sit still and seek God first. Is it easy waiting? NO! But what God has in store is so worth the wait. That's what I continually remind myself.

The Lord does not cast His pearls to swine. You are a pearl to the Lord. If you give Him your heart and set His destiny in your hands, He will not give you over to a man that does NOT FERVENTLY seek the heart of Christ and love the Lord. God is protective of His children and your heart. So don't settle for what the enemy puts in your way. If this man does not reflect Ephesians 5 (especially verse 25!) or aims to live that way, don't even bother. Be encouraged my sisters.

After camping

2007-08-19T22:13:00.003+03:00

So... I am back after two weeks break from internet, city dusts and civilization. It is strange, and at some point difficult to return. I feel heavy. As if some load was put on my heart full of worries, job issues, changes, worldly race for money, career and better life. Today's sermon was about being rich, and still being with God. What are the conditions? Not to be tied to your riches in your heart. Everything you have is to glorify God, and do good works according to His will. At some point it was not so clearly explained, but I guess clarity relates a lot to the experience the preacher has. Still the message was clear. Again, I will have to give my own time to clarify things for me, so that I could talk to others on that. It is a big issue, I see, in today's society. And it is so amazing to understand God's will for us, and what is good for us. Still, my heart struggles with something now. I can't even say with what...

Money money money

2007-08-03T22:12:00.001+03:00

Today I read a lot of comments on a video about one chistian church. A big church. An influentian church. An active church. A rich church... Some people are very sensitve to the words "rich", "money", "offerings" and the like... Is it forbidden for a man of God to prosper? I will have to make some study on that... As for now, I remember Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, David - they were all so influential for jewish nation, and rich... People like to say that Christians should lead a decent life without big riches, and at some point these people are right... But is that the rule? Christ told not to tie your heart to the things of the world, because then you become a slave of the riches... It is very slipery to have more financial opportunities, to be rich, I have to admit that, but do we need to create religion with that? By the way, apostale Paul had appartment in Rome... Have no idea what size, but not every jew had an appartment in Rome... Is that bad to have some property? I would say that more important is to set your heart and eyes onto God, and seek His will to be done; simply to know who your master is, and to whom you owe your riches and prosperity... As I said, I will have to explore that deeper...

Sunshine through the rain

2007-08-03T08:35:00.002+03:00

It is amazing how God heals your heart, and gives understanding about what is really important. It was not so clear yesterday after all the bad feeling, but it is amazing to wake up in the morning and feel loving grace smiling at your face and lifting you up to go through the day. You feel as if you have taken some old robe off, and have put the new one which is so light and feels fresh:) Today it seems as if I woke after a long sleep, and blinders have been taken out of my eyes. Now I see everything in new light and new colours. I just want to rejoice over life and everything I have. And all the praise and thanks go to the One and Only - God of the Above and Creator of heaven and earth.

P.S. It's interesting that I started to talk about the weather...

Cloudy 2

2007-08-02T12:47:00.002+03:00

Somehow at the moment, even for myself I sound very pesimistic or dark... I'm trying to find the reason for that, and maybe it's because I suddenly felt rejected by one person who was quite dear for me. I say "quite" just because I didn't know that person so well, but still she was dear to me at some point... Well, time will show what's comes out of it...

Cloudy

2007-08-02T12:03:00.001+03:00

We have such a wonderful weather here, sunshine, but inside it feels so cloudy... I am working on my relationship with God now... It seems, that first year after marriage has already second breakdown... I need some fresh air...